Blue Balls

Phil was moved to a rehab facility Thursday, and things continue to look up.

Over the course of the past six weeks, we’ve been keeping immediate family members informed via a group text. There are twenty two of us in the group.

Sometimes, our texts have gone a little off topic. Here is a small (and not fully representative) sampling:

“Hey Matt FU.”

“Does he have enough new boat brochures?”

“Yes, I’m a new sister.”

“TRUMP”

“He told me to shut up and let Matthew talk.”

“He wrote ‘trying to cure me or kill me.'”

“I can’t give him any more kisses. People have started to check my id at the door.”

“He’s calling the cute nurse ‘miss comfortable’ based on the fact that every time the pain subsides she comes in to move him.”

“If it was the Syrians tell him I’m on it.”

“Aaaaaaand now we’re all on a watch-list.”

“I keep texting the surgeon to tell me how it’s going. She hasn’t replied.”

“Michelle was wonderful…demonstrated wonderful self control.”

“I told him to say that.”

“Get the loud nurses name.”

“Relax he’s in good hands: you guys are all going to end up in the hospital next to him or behind bars.”

“Two meatball subs, a soup, a salad, two cookies, and a Canada Dry sparkling water = $12.41. They don’t make their money in the cafeteria.”

Matt Verkuilen left the conversation

“Rude”

“These texts are important. Here’s a picture of the floor.”

“[An edible arrangement] won’t make up for your husband::he needs to come back and see the floor.”

“I respectfully request entry back in the game. I know Mich is keeper of the gate so I probably don’t have a fighting chance.”

“I’ve discovered the chocolate covered cranberry macaroons at Au Bon Pain. To die for.”

“Phrasing.”

“When he asked about Matt’s cat we decided it was time to leave.”

“Marijuana might be the answer but I think I’ll ask the doctor about probiotics first.”

“Sue knows where to get that stuff.”

“Bummer :  I was so looking forward to driving to DH every day next week.”

“Still can. They have an Au Bon Pain out there. And the salmon lunch is good I hear.”

“Salmon is on Monday.”

Maybe you had to be there. But, believe me, a subset of that group of 22 are rolling on the floor once again. Another subset of the group – the grandchildren primarily – are probably rolling their eyes once again.

Amazingly enough, Phil has maintained a positive attitude and sense of humor throughout.

In fulfilling a promise that I made – and to remind myself – here is one more text:

“Absolutely amazing that his spirits are still up. Tell him he gets a free pass from me to be grumpy from here on out. And that promise might make it into the blog at some point.”

And here is an example of his sense of humor:

Shortly after arriving at rehab, an occupational therapist, Steve, came in to evaluate Phil. He told Phil he was was at Golden View and asked him to remember these four words: red ball, blue chair. He then proceeded with his evaluation and asked him a bunch of questions.

After a few minutes he asked Phil what those four words were. Now this is harder than you think. I could not remember the four words.

Without hesitation Phil responded, “Red something, blue balls.”

It may have been the look on Phil’s face or the way he said it, but Steve immediately broke into giggles like a 12-year-old boy at the mention of blue balls.

The evaluation proceeded, and Steve asked Phil for the name of the facility. Phil couldn’t quite remember, so Steve reminded him. Golden View.

Steve continued the evaluation, and eventually came back to ask Phil where he was.

Again, without hesitation, Phil responded, “Pleasant View. On Golden Hill. With blue balls.”

Shortly after he regained his composure, Steve said we were good for the day.

And so begins rehab.