Letters to Caleb

February 25, 2021

Dear Caleb,

I haven’t met you yet, but, as the saying goes, I love you to the moon and back. That’s because I know your Mom, and I happen to also love her to the moon and back. The first time I saw her face, I was flooded with emotions, including a sense of incredulity. I thought “How can this be possible?“

When I saw the first photo of you that your father texted to us, emotions again came flooding in. This time a sense of relief was a big player in that emotional pool. And the question on my mind was “Who is this little person?”

You don’t realize this, but you were born during a pandemic – hopefully one in it’s waning days, or at least months. (You actually have a great-great -grandfather who was born during the last pandemic. I hope you get to meet him and your great-great-grandmother soon.) The pandemic has taken away my chance to see you and your mother in the hospital. Because of the pandemic, I have been hunkered down at home for the past four weeks anxiously awaiting your arrival. 

Over those past four weeks, I’ve had time to wonder a lot about how it will feel to be a grandmother. Now that I’ve seen photos of you, I have a better sense of that feeling. Looking back at the grandmothers before me, that feeling is consistent with what I know of them. My great-grandmother made every grandchild feel as if he or she was her favorite. My grandmother’s face lights up whenever she sees one of her grandchildren. My mother was thrilled to hear any little detail about the latest with any of her grandchildren, including your mother. And my mother-in-law was known for exclaiming “Nana will save you!” in the face of any creatively imagined threat.

So how does it feel to be a grandmother? Well, I can tell you I already know it’s going to be a much easier job than being a mother.

In addition to providing unconditional love to a child, a mother’s job is to ensure her child is moving forward on a good path and at a good pace. The word “good”, however, implies judgement. Yes, mothers have to judge. They have the burden of carefully providing just the right amount of judgement as they raise their children. (Some would say mothers should find a way of raising their children without judging them, making their job that much harder and, in effect, judging them.) 

Grandmothers, on the other hand, are free from that heavy burden. 

So, I will not judge you. You will be my favorite (as the others will be.) When I see you, my face will light up. I will crave every small detail about you. And I will convey to you that you can count on me.

All I have is unconditional love for you.

Love, Grandma

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February 27, 2021

Dear Caleb,

While grandmothers are free from the burden of judging, they are not free from burden of worrying. Apparently the doctors are not quite comfortable with the way you are breathing, so they have you on oxygen. And an IV. They are going to keep you an extra day or two. Simply as a precautionary measure. There is nothing to worry about. 

If there is nothing to worry about, WHY ARE YOU ON OXYGEN? Of course there is something to worry about.

Your Mom and Dad have been giving us the details in terms of potential reasons, tests, next steps, and various numbers. Numbers like 6, and 3, and 2, and 99. I am incapable of processing the information. It is almost like there is a whooshing sound in my ears. All I’m capable of understanding is that things are improving. The doctors are happy with your progress. That doesn’t stop me from worrying.

And in my dual role of grandmother and mother, I’m worried about your Mom as well. That’s new for me – worrying about her. Growing up, your two aunts went through things that caused them, and therefore me, concern. Not so much your Mom. Either she had less to worry about. Or she worried less. Or she hid her worries from me. Or I was less in-tune to her worries. That last possibility makes me feel particularly guilty. 

Of course, that changed when she told me she was pregnant with you. 

And the night she went into labor, I didn’t sleep very well.

And though she is doing her best to hide her worries over you from me, I know. I know what she is feeling. I am in-tune without her having to tell me.

Fortunately, your Mom and Dad get to spend plenty of time of time with you in the NICU. Your Mom says she spends her time either staring at you or looking at pictures of you. I laugh. And I remember.

Thank goodness she has your Dad. I can just tell how great he has been. I don’t think he has taken a minute break. Even to take a shower. I can tell they are going to be true partners in this endeavor.

You have a good Mom and Dad. You are in good hands.

Love, Grandma

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March 1, 2021 – 1 of 2

Dear Caleb,

You are finally home. With your Mom and Dad. And Leo, who isn’t quite sure what to make of you.

And I am finally on my way.

See you soon.

Love, Grandma

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March 1, 2021 – 2 of 2

Dear Caleb,

I am here with you, and I am happy.

Love, Grandma